You may have heard about the Hero Instinct before. Just in case though, here's a quick explanation.
This instinct is a drive every man has. It comes from our distant past. It is rooted in a man's DNA.
We can't control it. Most men are barely even aware of it. Not on a conscious level, at least.
The Hero Instinct is what drove early men to test themselves against wild animals three times their size. And ten times as strong.
It has driven men to war. To scientific discovery. To publish books of poetry. To climb mountains.
It's an innate desire to accomplish things.
But it's not just about accomplishing things. There's a reason men are driven by the hero instinct:
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It makes us feel alive.
For men, this type of achievement brings catharsis. Fulfillment. Meaning.
It allows us to define ourselves. To feel pride. To feel worthy.
And it's not just accomplishing the goal that matters either.
Having a heroic "mission" causes men to feel needed. To feel irreplaceable. Like they're the only man for the job.
Perhaps you're starting to see how this might relate to getting a man to commit. But don't worry if it's still a little fuzzy. I'm going to lay it out clearly.
Here's what you need to know about the Hero Instinct in regards to a man "not being ready" to commit.
For a man to be able to commit, he needs to be able to open up and connect. This is not easy for most of us. We're just not wired to be emotionally accessible in that way.
Unless we feel like we are engaging in a heroic act.
Something about pursuing a "heroic" goal cuts through our emotional walls. We lower them to accomplish the mission.
Which makes us vulnerable.
And that makes it the perfect way to connect with a man. To hook a man.
Engage a man in acts of heroism, and he'll feel drawn to you. Invested in you.
For an act to be "heroic" to a man, it must involve one of three things:
1. Achieving something
2. Protecting someone
3. Earning someone's respect
If a man can do two or more of these things at the same time, all the better.
But it's not just individual acts of "heroism" that motivate men. Every man also has a sort of "heroic journey" that he goes on.
This journey has three distinct stages: Knight, Prince, and King. When I called Jack a "Prince",
I was telling Jill that he was in this stage of his heroic journey.
Men in the Prince stage of their heroic journey have a strong desire to accomplish things.
Usually things related to work.
In Jack's case, he wasn't just finishing up his residency to become a doctor. He was trying to define his place in society by achieving something.
These things matter in relation to his desire to commit. Because men tend to feel like they have to achieve something before they're "worthy" of settling down. They have to complete their mission, achieve something of significance, earn a reputation, or build a legacy.
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When Jack pulled away from Jill's attempts to get closer, this was likely the reason. He wanted to be able to say, "I'm the guy who did X. That's why I'm worthy of Jill's love. And that's why I can now settle down and relax into a relationship."
To be clear, this is not a conscious desire. If asked, Jack would probably have no idea about this motivation.
The closest he might come is a sort of guilty admission that he doesn't feel like he has really accomplished anything yet. Or that he's afraid he won't be able to meet Jill's expectations.
So that's the first way the Hero Instinct can impact commitment. The feeling men have that certain things must be accomplished before they're "ready."
Not being "ready" also has a secondary meaning though.
At its heart, the Hero Instinct is about winning.
You've probably noticed that most guys care a lot more about "winning" than most women do.
Men avoid things they can't win at.
When we take steps to achieve our "heroic" goals, those are little "wins" along the way. Tiny accomplishments that provide us with a rush of pleasure and excitement. These experiments make us feel alive.
Imagine a video game where a hero must defeat the big bad guy to save the day. Video games like this are the ultimate manifestation of the heroic journey.
There's always a big, ultimate goal at the very end. Beat the bad guy. Save the world. Rescue the princess.
But there are also always smaller achievements along the way. Things like getting through a difficult level. Beating a bad guy of lesser importance. Gaining some kind of power-up.
These little checkpoints of achievement are not there just to keep the story interesting. Heck, lots of early games barely had a story.
Here's why they're really there: to keep us playing.
The game designers created rewards to keep people playing. Accomplishing one of these minor achievements provides that rush of pleasure and excitement.
Men desperately crave the rush of achievement. The experience of winning.
But there's a flipside to this desire. If a man does not see a way to "win" at something, he will do whatever he can to avoid it.
This applies to relationships, too.
If he's not at a place in his life where he feels like a "winner," he will also likely feel that he's "not ready."