Let's assume you're making progress with a guy. He's shown the early signs of interest. And
you can tell he genuinely enjoys spending time with you.
But something is holding him back.
What is it? Why does he seem to be dragging his feet? He was very interested in the
relationship from the start. But now it's as if he's second-guessing his commitment. Like he's
not sure about the thing that's building between the two of you.
Why is this happening?
As a relationship coach with years of experience, I can take a pretty good guess. It's
ambivalence.
In other words, he feels pulled in two different directions.
He wants the good stuff that comes from his relationship with you. But he's nervous about
what it all means.
Men go through several stages in life. Each stage changes how they react to the prospect of a committed relationship. I teach courses about those different stages, but it's beyond the scope of what we're trying to accomplish here. So let me just give one summary statement.
Men like to win.
From the time they are boys, males hesitate to take on a challenge unless they have a certain level of confidence in a positive outcome.
How does that impact his approach to relationships? Well, in a relationship he wants to "win" at gaining your approval and status.
But wait a minute. If that's true, why is he holding back? Can't he tell you want to move things forward? And the answer comes down to this:
A commitment creates a threat.
The threat comes from his fear of loss. You see, men judge themselves and other men based on accomplishments. It's like a rite of passage. If you want to become a real man, you have to have a mission. It's like the modern version of going on a hunt and coming back with something to show for it.
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He has dreams about making a difference in the world, or proving his worth by earning lots of money, or proving his worth by helping lots of people.
Then there are social pressures from his guy friends to go on adventures, live the bachelor
lifestyle, and answer to no one.
Then there's the desire to win at his relationship with you. That means gaining your approval.
Success in a relationship means he has to keep you happy.
And why is that a problem?
Because he's not sure he can please everyone at once. He's not sure who he will become if
the relationship continues to move forward. Ambivalence sets in.
Ambivalence is the biggest enemy of momentum in romantic relationships.
But I have a solution for you. My solution takes away his ambivalence. How? By taking away his fear.
And the secret is rather simple. Are you ready for it?
Give him a clear definition of success.
That's it. But let me tell you why it works.
You see, he's not afraid of having a fantastic relationship with you. He's not afraid of
succeeding with you. He's not afraid of creating something deep and meaningful with you.
Rather, he's afraid of failure. He's afraid of giving you the wrong idea and then changing his
mind.
He's afraid of losing. He's afraid of letting others down (you, himself, his friends). But most of all-and here's the really important part-he has one thing blocking his passionate abandon: hissecretobsession.com