Here's the thing. If women waited for men to fully satisfy their Heroic Instinct, no one would ever find true love or get married. No one would settle down. Or at the very least, they wouldn't do so until middle age. Because that's when most men reach the third and final stage of the Heroic Journey, the King stage.
"Kings" reevaluate what really matters in life and tend to care a lot more about finding someone to share the bounty of their success with. In the king phase of life, a man wants to share his experience and resources with others. He wants to be appreciated for what he has to offer.
Typically, men in the king phase of life feel ready to settle into a relationship. Obviously, though, there are plenty of people who find each other and settle into a life together much earlier than this. I'm going to show you how you can be one of those people.
You will do it by making yourself a part of his heroic journey. Not just a part - the most fun, most exciting part!
Here's how: you teach him that he can win at your relationship. By that, I do not mean that you should bow down to his every whim. I do not mean that you should defer to him in disagreements.
A successful, happy, long-lasting relationship is a relationship of equals. In fact, if you do a good job of helping him "win," he'll actually be working harder to meet your needs. And he'll be doing it gladly. That's because "winning" in a relationship means something closer to the video game analogy I made earlier.
What you need to do is fairly straightforward. But not necessarily easy.
1. Create opportunities for him to meet your needs and make you happy.
2. When he meets these needs, show him appreciation for what he's done.
At the core, all you're really doing is giving him positive reinforcement when he acts in a way that makes you happy. Just like a video game, you're providing small achievements along that way. And you're giving him that rush of pleasure and excitement when he succeeds. You're using simple behavioral conditioning. But it's not quite so simple.
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He has to feel appreciation for "winning" at the types of things that matter to him. You can't, for example, shower him with appreciation for letting you vent about your day and expect to give him that special "winning" feeling. Because men just aren't wired to understand the value of that.
Women tend to experience gratification and validation from a direct emotional connection like this. Men - not so much. It doesn't give us the same kind of "charge." And that's the reason why so many men struggle with just listening to someone talk about their problems as an end rather than a means to an end. Let me show you what I mean with a quick example:
REBECCA: You are not going to believe what Sara just said to me.
ART: What?
REBECCA: That I was never going to get ahead with my "attitude"!
ART: Sara said that?
REBECCA: She sure did.
Here's the reaction that Rebecca wants:
ART: What a jerk!
REBECCA: I know, right?
ART: Where does she get off saying something like that to you?
REBECCA: I've got half a mind to tell her to go shove it.
ART: You're not going to get ahead? She's been in the same assistant position for 15 years!
REBECCA: Exactly!
ART: The nerve of some people.
Because all Rebecca really wants is a sounding board. Someone to share her frustrations
with so she can blow off steam. Unfortunately, this is closer to what Art would probably say in reality:
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REBECCA: You are not going to believe what Sara just said to me.
ART: Why? What did she say?
REBECCA: That I was never going to get ahead with my "attitude"!
ART: Sara said that?
REBECCA: She sure did.
ART: That's not okay.
REBECCA: Obviously.
ART: You should go to HR and complain.
REBECCA: Huh?
ART: She can't talk to you that way. HR will set her straight.
REBECCA: I don't care about setting her straight.
ART: Well, you should, or she'll just keep doing it.
REBECCA: Why are we talking about this?
ART: You brought it up.
REBECCA: To vent. I didn't ask for advice!
ART: Geez, sorry.
When presented with a problem, men tend to push toward concrete solutions. Guys don't see the "point" of simply listening, so we turn it into a problem-solving exercise.
Most women have been involved in some version of this frustrating scenario with a guy at some point or another. It's annoying. It's hurtful. It makes you feel alone, like he doesn't get you.
But he doesn't mean it that way. It's his way of trying to "win" at your problem. We can't help ourselves.
When we're in a relationship with someone, it's often worse. Because we care more deeply.
So we want to feel useful. We want to prove our worth.
Here's the thing: you want to give your guy the feeling that he's "winning" in his relationship with you. Because when he feels like he's winning, he'll be invested. He'll be happier. He'll want to make you happier.
He may even be willing to learn how to just listen to you vent. But you're not there yet. To get there, you need to help him feel like he's winning.
That means getting him to help you with the types of things that feel significant to a man. The types of things he understands intuitively.
In other words, problems that are physical. Problems that have concrete solutions. Problems that he can help you solve with his manliness.
These problems don't have to be difficult or complex. He just has to believe he's helping you when he solves them.
Some examples of problems he can solve to let him "win" at the relationship include:
1. Opening a jar
2. Giving you a lift to the airport
3. Checking for a slow leak in your tire.
4. Killing a spider under your desk.
5. Offering an opinion on some topic where he has expertise.
As you can see, these are fairly simple. Even cliche. Will he notice this? Will he care? No. That doesn't matter in the slightest.
The only prerequisite is that a problem needs to be solvable in a concrete way.
What matters a whole lot more is how you respond. Namely, when he succeeds at helping you, it is vital that you show him how much you appreciate it.
Because your appreciation is his reward. It's what makes him get that "winning" feeling from helping you.
When he feels that way, it's like he has a purpose. He experiences fulfillment in the relationship.
This, as you might imagine, is a very good thing.
Let's look at a couple of examples of this - good and bad.
Erica is calling Damian.
DAMIAN: Hey, what's up?
ERICA: Slight problem for tonight.
DAMIAN: Oh, no. What?
ERICA: I meant to get tickets before leaving work, but I forgot. And by the time I get home, they're bound to be sold out.
At this point, the conversation can go one of three ways.
BAD VERSION 1
ERICA: I meant to get tickets before leaving work, but I forgot. And by the time I get home, they're bound to be sold out. All because of my stupid boss! I was about to do it, but she tossed a last-minute assignment at me at the end of the day, and I got distracted. She's been doing that more and more lately. It's really frustrating.
DAMIAN: That sucks. But I'm actually home, so I could get on my computer and solve our little problem right now.
ERICA: What are you talking about?
DAMIAN: Um, the tickets?
ERICA: Are you even listening to me, I'm talking about the way boss has been treating me.
Hopefully, it's obvious why this one is bad.
Erica's not really calling about the tickets at all. She's just using it as an excuse to get emotional support so she can survive the day at work. All she really wants is for Damian to make her feel supported and loved.
She's making two mistakes here.
First, as I said above, this is not something that will make Damian feel like he's "winning" at the relationship. So if that's even part of her intent, she's failing. Second, she brought up the tickets. That's the "real" problem to Damian. But she only brought them up as a way to talk about her boss drama.
Damian is not just distracted by those tickets. He's focused on them.
Why? Because that is a problem he can solve. It's a way he can win.
She may not see it. But he is drawn toward the solvable part of the problem the same way a moth is drawn to an open flame.
Not Great VERSION
ERICA: I meant to get tickets before leaving work, but I forgot. And by the time I get home, they're bound to be sold out. It's so annoying. I can't believe I screwed up our plans.
DAMIAN: Well, you know, it doesn't have to be screwed up.
ERICA: What do you mean?
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DAMIAN: I have a computer right in front of me. I can get tickets now.
ERICA: Oh my gosh, could you? That would be amazing.
DAMIAN: Yeah, don't worry about it. It's really no problem.
Initially, this doesn't seem bad at all. There's a concrete problem that she mentions. He solves it. She shows appreciation.
But she didn't use the full potential of this opportunity to trigger his hero instinct. Â Because she never asked for his help.
That matters. Asking is part of what tells him that she values him. Moreover, that she believes he can solve the problem.
He basically has to wave his arms and say, "Hey, I'm right here! Pick me!"
Here's what she could have done to trigger his hero instinct more powerfully:
GOOD VERSION
ERICA: I meant to get tickets before leaving work, but I forgot. And by the time I get home, they're bound to be sold out. I was feeling down about it, but then I realized you might be able to rescue me. Â I really need your help. Could you get them?
DAMIAN: Opening the website right now.
ERICA: I knew I picked you for a reason.
DAMIAN: And... purchased.
ERICA: You are amazing. Thank you!
In short, the right way to help your guy "win" at the relationship is to:
Present a problem with a concrete solution.
Ask him to help with that problem.
Show appreciation for his help.
Then repeat, repeat, repeat. That's the formula.
Of course, that's just one real-world example of the kind of problem you want to ask your guy to solve. There are countless variations.
In His Secret Obsession, I cover more of these ideas and examples. And I take you on a journey into the male, so you can see how he experiences relationships.
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I think you'll be surprised by just how many opportunities there are to trigger a man's hero instinct.
But the example above should be a good starting point.
When he learns that he can "win" at the relationship, it alleviates the feeling that he is "not ready" to invest more deeply.
Because remember what was holding him back? He wanted to achieve something. To get a feeling that he has proven himself as a man.
He thought those achievements had to come from outside the relationship. But you're showing him that is simply not true.
He can achieve in the relationship. And this causes him to like how he feels when he's around you.